It really has been a long time since I wrote here! Near enough a whole year! Well I broke up with Ash and have had a couple of partners since then but now I'm with Rich. Have been for over 4 months now. Longest relationship I've had so far. I finally moved out of home... Am now renting a house in Dover which I love. Something I can call my own. I don't have to ask anyones permission to go out or do anything. I can do what I want, when I want. Rich is also living with me. It's not that strange but it is putting some straints on our relationship I think. But once we're more settled and everything's done in the house I think we'll be better off.

Just been reading back some of my original journals from here... brings back many memories! Some good, some bad. Not sure why, but I'm in a really reflective mood atm and just felt like writing some things down. Unable to sleep at the moment, haven't been to bed this early in a while and Rich is already out of it but I just can't sleep for some reason. Too much playing on my mind.

Recently I've been thinking of my deceased Grandad every day! especially during arguements with anyone. It's dazzled me and takes me back for a while. I haven't a clue why this is... But I do wish he were here. It was his 8th anniversary of his death this month. Next year it will be the anniversary of him being passed for half of my life. That will be a hard day for me. Really hard. I take things so personally and to heart. Every sentimental thing counts.

Really I have nothing to say here as most things I would say in my private diary but I don't have it at the moment... it's still in a box somewhere in the house. Stupid eh?

So many people I miss... Leaving school, college, work, home, everything; it's left me alone. I have Rich, but he can't be here with me 24/7. He's got his own life, got his work to do. But I'm scared. Scared to try again. That if I try anything new, it will be thrown back in my face and will be pointless and a waste of time and effort with no outcome. I've become insecure and desolate, and weak minded. I feel so weak all the time. Physically and emotionally drained. But there's nothing I can do but cope and get on with it. But that's exactly the thing... I have no other focus other than my driving lessons, Rich, his music, my music and the house. Nothing else motivates me anymore. I just can't be bothered. I haven't the energy to deal with it anymore.

I've been writing songs again... well will do soon, but at the moment am at the stage of writing words in my head for ideas and imagination. It's just pages full of words and phrases all jumbled up but it feels good to write those odd few words down. Especially when I think of one single word to describe my whole emotion. Be it a comparison or whatever, it just feels good to get things onto paper.

I keep feeling like bursting into tears several times every day... I can feel the depression sinking in. Old habits wanting to get a hold onto me. I feel like crying but most of the time there is no reason. I think it's because I'm just so emotionally drained. I can't do any more. Ok that's set me off now... I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just being ridiculous most likely.